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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What`s your name?!
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Asking me if Iām hungry, is like asking me if I like money.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.