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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.