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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
Another beautiful morning I wish I was sleeping through.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.