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If it requires pants, its not happening today.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Iām offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
Yes Officer, I carry a knife, but that`s just in case I find a cake.
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
you have lips ā¦.. i have lips ā¦ā¦ interesting
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.