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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.