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My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
The only difference between McDonald`s and my work is McDonald`s has only got one clown running the show.