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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Never fight anyone who bows to you first.
If you had to choose between your girlfriend or GTA 5 which character would you play as first?
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .