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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
FYI : My post aren`t directed at anyone in particular...so should anyone be offended by them, I say if the shoe fits ... Wear It!!!!!
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
This headache feels like dumb people
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.