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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.