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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
I`m easily influenced... That`s why I try not to watch too much porn
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.