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The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Inspirational status of the day: Don`t be a douche.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Don’t be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn’t change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.