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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Do you ever just look at a girl and instantly know she posts her daily horoscope on Facebook and quotes Marilyn Monroe?
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"