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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Advantage #46 of being single. I have entire closets that are completely empty.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up