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When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I`m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don`t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn`t sign up for the position.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m