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If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.