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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
Of course women dont fart. They never shut up long enough to build up pressure
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
Iām not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever