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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
It`s not stalking if you love them!
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today