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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
The problem with you is ... you exist.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....