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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
I received an email from a hacker that had accessed my bank account. It simply read, "LOL".
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.