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Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
My kids wanna have a water balloon fight later, I just got done putting mine in the freezer... Wanna bet I win...
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Like if you really googled to see if that kid really died from masturbating
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.