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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.