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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.