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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.
the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it