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Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Just hung a picture. I nailed it.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."