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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you`re good with grammar you`ll get it.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.