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If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?