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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I made a p@nis out of Legos. A literal c*ck block.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Why non-smokers don`t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.