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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...