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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake