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If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Crazy? ... My therapist does say I should quit talking to myself.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."