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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?