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Iām starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you`ll meet the man of your dreams.
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.