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My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I’m glad we can’t smell each other through the internet.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.