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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. “My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl.”
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"