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And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day