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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
I have a black belt in leather
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!