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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
No one knows what women really want, but everyone agrees it still won`t be enough.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, Iād like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.