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Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
The problem with some people is that they’re alive.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!