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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.