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I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.