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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
There`s a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it`s usually a prescription.
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box