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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!