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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I just saw a man salute the Budweiser truck on the highway. LMAO
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I`m available.
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.