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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!