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you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.