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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn`t even apply for the job.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.