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I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Ways to die: Steal my food.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.