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That`s not how I met your mother.
Gentlemen may not be extinct, but they are definitely endangered
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music