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I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.