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Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?