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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He`s in a better place now."
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I`d engage you in a battle of wits, but I`m afraid you`re unarmed.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you