Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.