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"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)