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After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I always win at chess ... by hitting my opponent with a brick.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."