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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.