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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out