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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Hello...
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.