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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people.
If A Couple in Love are called Love Birds, then a couple who fight with each other should be called Angry Birds.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
When your Dr. says "I`ll need to Google that"..... it`s time to change Doctors
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake